Any Other Day

Last night I dreamed that I was dying. It was literally, my very last day on Earth. The strange and unexpected thing was, it was just the same as any other day.

We've been watching Six Feet Under. Relentlessly. If you are not familiar, this is a brilliant and critically acclaimed TV series about the Fishers, a dysfunctional family who runs a funeral home in Los Angeles. We have been watching at least one episode before bed each night for a few weeks. Tonight, needless to say, we might give it a rest.

Anyhow, in my dream Peter Krause is there. Not as as my funeral director (although he does have his suit on) or an Emmy Award winner, but as my only companion. He walks in and out of rooms flashing his reassuring smile and making small talk. I am not sure where my real friends are.

I go through the day knowing that the end is nigh, but I don't do anything differently. I have to ask myself questions that involve multiple choices and no ideal answers. Which casket would I like? Well, I prefer not to have one at all. Do I want to be cremated or buried? I prefer to stay right here, thanks for asking.

In my dream, I stare at a blank page at a kitchen table, wanting to write down what to say at my service so that Peter can read it aloud. You know, who to thank for this life and what was important. But I can't bring myself to pick up the pen and if I do, it will be real. I look up at the clock on the wall. The hours are slipping by, sliding away. But there is still time.

All day I wait for it, knowing it will happen, like an appointment that I cannot cancel. And when the clock on the wall tells me it is five pm, I go an lie in what must be my room, on a single bed with a colorful, handmade quilt that I've never seen before. I stare at the ceiling, immobilised by my complete inability to change what's coming.

In the dream I did not have my health. I knew my family would come, once I was gone, somebody would call them. All I had were these decisions, these finite moments. These last wishes.

And then, the alarm went off and I sat straight up in bed with this slightly sick feeling. This, I thought, this is it.

It's time to wake up.