Rome was built from the ruins, I thought, as I climbed out of my pit of despair. Phew, that was exhausting. I sat, perched on the edge of the hole I had dug for myself, legs dangling, perspiration pouring, dirt smeared across my cheeks. I looked down and then up. I looked for a sign.
Instead, this week, I received a series of revelations. So, in no particular order I am going to share them with (lucky) you.
No one turned up on a government-sanctioned mission to rescue me with a half dozen engineers and a special, rocket-like chute... but many hands reached down from the light and offered to extract me from my hole. I gratefully took these hands. To be alone is sometimes a physical reality, but to feel alone is a choice. The truth is, there are people everywhere, friends, and if you are willing to wave a flag from inside the cavity you have fallen into, your brave signal will lure fellow cave dwellers from their own pits in droves. Invite someone over coffee. Phone a friend. Listen while someone else tells you about their much, much worse situation. Relay and relate. Talk to a stranger at a bar or at the library. There are at least 100 ways not to be alone. So, I picked more than one.
Lesson number two: When you set demanding goals, be they financial, professional, creative or otherwise it is worthwhile to first find out what tools, collateral or energy might be required to meet said goals; as opposed to projecting a deep, dark road littered with difficult obstacles between yourself and where you ultimately want to be. This imagined clutter is difficult to clear up once projected. Start with facts, rather than assumptions and the way to the finish line will look a little less like Jurassic Park during Cyclone Tracy and a little more like the yellow brick road to OZ.
I have been reminded once again that my life's purpose is my property. I own it and I shape it. This idea takes some getting used to. Some days, it feels like I stole it and so I hide it behind the couch until I find someone worthy to give it back to. Then I remember that there is no one more qualified to handle it than me. It's "if you build it they will come" versus "they have built it so let's go visit and do what we're told while we're there". Start small, somebody told me. You might feel like an ant wading in a puddle of almost insurmountable expectation, but keep your head up, swim and soon you will grow.
Getting back to the idea of life purpose made me do a lot of thinking about creativity, both my own and as a general concept. I was referred to a TED Talk by writer, Elizabeth Gilbert on nurturing creativity. She talks about artists being held accountable and how the creative 'genie' once considered to be a divine enigma, visited upon unsuspecting artists is now considered to inhabit the self. We are on the look out for a (human) creative genius rather than the concept of 'creative genius'. With works pending critical judgment even prior to creation, you can see how one's capacity for inspiration or transcendence could be severely incapacitated by society's jury, waiting with baited breath, tapping fingers and feet, as the artist of today tries to "bring it home".
Whether this judgment is real or imagined, there is a certain truth in an artist's journey being less valued and respected today, than it may have been historically. Artistry was once revered as a dignified and envied vocation. Capitalism sure has a lot to answer for. We shake in our boots at any career that does not play a hearty role in meeting the household budget. There is no creative venture where anguish is not anticipated in advance, where fear for what the future holds is not felt. A sense lingers that there is a danger to our wellbeing, psychologically, socially, financially, if we continue to pursue such fanciful prospects.
And here comes my next revelation...I hereby conclude that this festering attitude in our collective subconscious can go and fuck itself. Artists in all forms should be treated like a protected species, in a societal construct that enables, encourages and fosters creativity to thrive. Let's tear down the emotional firewall that stands between what we think we should be doing and what we were put on this earth to do. Our personal security settings are good and keeping bad things out, but they can also block good things from coming in. If you put up a fence, you always have to climb up to see over. It's protection at a price; quite literally, the cost of living.
Humans are just that. Human. We can be vessels for something greater if we are open and ready. So, show up, be present. Nothing can be achieved by you if you aren't actually there. A transition is just the first step in a revolution. Releasing the genie requires time and space. You have to be willing to claw your way back out of the hole.
Sit on the side with you legs dangling and look around for a sign.
This week, I opened my eyes and an opportunity presented itself. For the first time in a long time I am genuinely motivated, propelled towards something that could feed my soul, for which the entire point is fulfillment of a greater purpose. No money will change hands.
If it is meant to be, I will have another good reason to get out of bed each morning. If it is not, I will dust myself off, keep my head up and swim in my puddle until I outgrow it. And I will not swim alone...all creatures great and small are welcome.
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